between drinks

July 9, 2007

well now. i’m officially welcoming myself back to wordpress. whether this is a permanent thing or just some fleeting, ephemeral respite from months and months of accumulated boredom and frustration at my general lack of motivation and creative output, only time will tell. one thing is for sure though; there’s no way in hell i’m gonna start capitalising my words. i will never submit to your mind-control. pigs. capitals create a pecking order, a veritable food pyramid, a beauracracy out of strings of words which all essentially have the same value. and around here, that value invariably tends to zero.

lots of things, from the very great to the very small, have happened since our last meeting. and lord knows, to pour one’s heart out on an internet blog just isn’t the done thing. i mean, i’m not a square, man. and you never quite know who is going to be watching, as it were. i guess i can guarantee a few things though. i will whore this entry out to whoever is able and willing to click a link, and those people will be disappointed with what they find. there will also be a handful of people who simply stumble across this post, like a radio signal that has bounced miraculously off some distant piece of space junk and has taken thousands of years to find its way back to earth. there may even be others who come to pay their respects to the remains of blog posts past, and are shocked by this spectre of my former web-self. not that i ever had/have any kind of political, literary, or cosmological purpose when i hit that ‘new post’ button. sometimes i feel obligated to contribute something worthwhile to this common internet of ours. but more on that later. i think i’ve got something in the works.

i wrote up a crude timeline today, my vain attempt to ascribe some sort of game plan to my life in the upcoming months. it’s probably more of an economic projection than a solid set of resolutions, in the sense that the only thing it tells me for certain is that my net gain will be equal to precisely nothing. sadly, this is probably as constructive as i have been in a few weeks. yeah, life dealt me a bum hand, and i’m no high roller at the best of times. it’s unfair of me to assume that every time i feel like death warmed up, that i have some god-given right to subject everyone else to it also. but that’s the nature of my insecurities. i don’t feel like they are real or pathetic enough until everybody else knows about them. misery loves company, i guess. i like hearing people reassure me that i’m not just some carbon-negative waste of time, only so i can flat-out reject their attempts to console me. how incredibly cynical and twisted is that?

but consider yourselves lucky. arguably only one person has had to deal with the full force of my latest episodes. everyone else is either indisposed, conveniently out of reach (or in some cases, out of touch), or simply incapable of hearing me talk about, well, anything.

so here’s what we know for sure happened: i graduated uni, in equal-record time, with stunningly average marks. i lost two jobs. i got fit again. i turned 21 and had some kind of birthday party (two of them, in fact). i lost friends. and i forgot what the hell i’m supposed to be doing. but despite all this, and the back pain that haunts me every single time i sit down at this desk, i’m still feeling ok. it’s early days. we are the early days.


2 Responses to “between drinks”

  1. ricep0d said

    welcome back baby.

    wow. i’m not sure where to begin. i know a lot of the issues you’ve had to deal with lately wasn’t really helped much by me, and well, you know how sorry i am, i’m not going to rag on about that here. but i’ll keep being one of those annoying people continuously reassuring you that you are a piece of high class ass, no matter how cynical you get, because believe it baby, you are. i don’t think i value anyone else’s opinions any more than yours. i don’t care what you say, i think you’re an amazing creature, and once you come to accept that, you can go out there and do everything you’re capable of.

    everything gets better eventually. no matter how much you force it to remain shit, you’ll wake up one day and realise you don’t care about it anymore. it just depends on how long you let it go on for.

    it’s too late for me to make any sense, but welcome back. and i hope you keep coming back. because i miss your blog.

  2. Tim said

    Big boy,

    Sounds like you`ve had a rough few months… fucking sucks.

    Good news is.. I am back in a little over 2 weeks. We can share beers, and share miseries.

    You haven`t lost this friend.

    Loving you

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